You wouldnt know just by looking.

Tiredd

Hello loves, i had a horrible day.. It was so long and boring and filled with a bingee ugh. Anyway im fasting tommoro! My friend that i met here is comming to see me tommorow im so excited!! I rly miss her! I hope u guys had a good day cause u deserve it.
Ily all<3

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Posted at 12:13 am | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

location: Canada, Quebec, Montr

Hi

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Posted at 11:54 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

Oh, how I hate when people ask for help, and no one helps them.
When you need help, do we help you?
I hate seeing posts with no comments.
a simple " stay strong hun, you can do this" will help.

Help

Is always near. yeah right.

Some people ask for help
And dont get it. They tell

Them

   How they are trying to stay alive
   To stay strong, but they cant.
   Thats

When

   They need this community the most
   They need girls and boys who understand
   They need people who will tell them that
   Everything will be alright, that

They

   Will be strong and get through this.
   But sometimes, people are selfish
   They

Need

   Your help, you help them, you need
   They're help.
   I dont understand this. What has happened?

It.

Makes me sad to see a post asking,begging
Pleading for help. And no comments.

Thats my opinion, and it breaks my heart to
see this happening.

Posted at 11:06 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

My (fat) mom told me yesterday that I always over-eat . she said " caro, you always over-eat, and its gonna get to you."

is she STUPID or what? hasnt she noticed I keep loosing weight? and that I go to the bathroom every single time after I eat?
she doesnt even know that I dont eat at school. she doesnt know anything about me anymore. Anyway I dint eat much today so I guess thats good. but im so scared to weigh myself :S

I hope everyone here is having a fine day :)
I love you all!
Stay strong, you can do this.

Posted at 11:05 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

Its been about 2 weeks i havent posted, but I come here alot to see how you girls are doing and comment on some posts.
I guess it hasnt been too bad cause now im 162. Im so fat and I hate it. but for the first time ever, I made asandwich and i dint want to eat it.
first time!! my friends are starting to notice i dont eat because i never wanna eat at school. theres this girl, in the morning she buys a sandwich and two cookies, then at lunch she buys the cafeteria meal plus chocolat milk and more cookies and A DRUMSTICK.and shes so FAT. like wayy fatter then me and I keep thinking " was I like that before?" and im so worried people will think i eat like a pig even if i eat a salad.
in other news i have headaches and stomach pains sometimes.
but no matter what,

I
   keep going up and down alot
   and it makes me so mad because
   I see in my journal that, say feb 11th
   I was 166.6 and its march 23 and
   Im at 162. its like??! So i

Will
   Have to keep control and exercise
      but i really dont like going to gyms
   i prefer beeing outdoors. Summer
   is comming so I will

Continue
   To loose more and more
   weight, until im pretty,

Until
   I see 105 lbs on the scale
   It kinda sucks that my life
   revolvs around a number
   its how

Im
   going to do it though. And
   I and everyone else here
   will be goegeous and

Thin.

   I love you all

Posted at 07:23 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x]bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[X] hungry
[X] thirsty
[] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[x] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[ x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[X] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[x] being weak
[X] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[X] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself

Posted at 09:58 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Please,daddy...

Its funny how my dad knows my sisters age and not mine. How he always tells her he loves her. And not me. He tells me to watch what im eating,even if ive lost 53 pounds. And oh, my sister is getting fatter by the minute.She eats a whole pack of cookies to herself. she has a big fat belly she dint have before. i know he hates me. its so unfair, i want him to love me so bad even though i hate him at the same time.

Im
   so sick of my dad
   he doesnt even
   say " wow, your

getting
   so much skinner,
   im so proud of you
   caro!well done!"
   well i guess 53
   pounds isint good
   enough for the fatty.
   but not much people
   notice im getting

thinner,
   and it drives me crazy
   i only hear my friends
   tell me that other people
   say "omg

shes
   loosing so much weight"
   but I want them to tell
   me in my face. they never
   do.but

getting
   skinny? im still far from it
   what would my dad say?
   would he notice it and say
   "well done!" Im dreaming.
   he only notices when
   we get

fatter

   Skinny,skinny, come and find me.
   But who am i kidding?
   skinny or not
   he still hates me. he will always.

Posted at 09:03 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

Ah,NO!
Im 3 pounds heavier. My friend who also has an ED says that its not gonna show. I dont care if it shows, I just want to see the number go down!
I only ate a cookie and milk chocolate today.HOWS THIS POSSIBLE? :( My mom is making beef stew. I want to eat so much its not even funny.
I want to be THIN. like everyone here.
Love you all.

Do
   resist.If you eat,
   you will get fatter
   and no one will
   like you. If you do

Not
   listen to me,
   I will hurt you,
   cut you,hit you!
   You hear that fatty?
   Do not

Eat
   From: Ana
   To:Carolynne mcfatty

Posted at 07:16 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

Im down to 166.6!!
I cant WAIIIT to be in the 150's
Woah i cant beleive im in the 160's.. i never thought it would come so fast!!
I ate today abit but i still lost over a pound
its great!!

Posted at 11:24 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

  At school today , we had to dress up since its v.day tomorrow.
I felt so uncomftable in my clothes. My feet were killing me.
and worst of all: I ATE . a bagel and half a cookie and a little peice of vanilla cake.
I was so pissed off. Anyway a bunch of my friends invited me to the movies but I couldnt go
Cause im fucking grounded. Fuck my life .
I can never do what i want!
I think im Gonna

Explode,
   cause im so sick of everything.
   my life, my ED, my family,my weight.
   I wish I could forget everything
   and just

Dissapear
   Forever.I wish I had a boyfriend
   that would love me and help me
   no matter what I do or say

and never
   judge me. I wish I weighed 100 lbs.
   people keep telling me how much
   ive already lost but I dont care.
   Its not enough. I want more.
   I want to leave and never
come back

Posted at 11:24 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

  I feel so weak.
i only ate a cereal bowl today
because im sick and im not hungry
but i want to eat so bad.

   I wish I could tell someone my

Secrets
   someone who I can trust
   someone who will understand me
   someone who wont laugh
   But who would listen?

   Not my mom,who is
   the one that made me fat.
   When I asked her why she
   Dint stop me from eating
   so much she said:
   "how
are
   you

supposed
   to say "no" to a child
   who wants to eat crap,
   that screams and cries
   If they don't get the food
   they want?"
   She doesn't even know
   how that affected me.
   My life.My health.
   She dint even try
to
   Stop me when I
   was getting bigger
   and bigger. Instead
   I had to
stay
   Alone in my corner
   Crying every time someone
   Told me how fat I was.
   I love my mommy,
   But I will never tell her my
secret.
   Unless she finds out herself.

(no subject)

Cutting
   feels so good
   and i miss it
   but i promised
   my friend i was
   gonna stop. it
takes
   a big part of me
   because it makes
   me feel

the pain
   and then i just feel
   so much better.
   i like feeling and
   seeing the blood
   run down my arms.
   I just wish the scars
   would go
  away.

Posted at 11:01 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

I want to be at 159 in a month
i hope it will work
im 170 now..
its disgusting.
i cant beleive i used to be 220
it makes me want to
BARF

Posted at 10:13 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

  Gaah.
today, some of my class friends asked me if i would go with them to eat out during lunch.
i dint want to eat but i did
i ate a frie and two hot dogs.
then i was going to purge but there was someone in the fucking bathroom so i couldnt go
then we went back to school and i was so freaked out
i had to purge
i was late because i went to the bathroom
and i gained two pounds
fuck this im fasting

I need
   to control myself
   so sick of eating
   so sick of purging

I need
   to just stop eating
   go on a fast!
   for 2 days?

I need
   to keep my promise
   I will not eat
   I will loose weight
   the 60 more pounds

I need
   to loose.

Control.

Posted at 10:13 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

I

ate so much this weekend
but i dint gain! im at
172.8 (i know i know)
and to not gain,i
   Will
eat a yougurt (40cals)
and an apple (100cals)
hopefully by sunday i will
   Be
at 168.
im thinking of trying
ex-lax.
how much are they?.
anyone know?
my goal is to be
   Thin.

Caarroo
take care

Posted at 10:29 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Yay.

Today was a not-so-bad day.

I dint
   Eat

anything today
im so proud of
myself because the last
time i dint
        eat
was a while ago
when me and my friend
had decided not to
   eat
for two days and it worked
but right now i just want
to chew something
im such a bad person.
all i think about is food
and

     Puke.

Posted at 06:13 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Resistance

      I
cant stop eating,
all i think about is food
its like i constantly
     need
the comfort.
I need to control myself
i need
     to

fast for at least 2 days
to prove to myself i can do it
i will
   Resist.

Posted at 08:19 am | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

  I just had the worst week ever.
   -My best friend is always ditching me for his old friends.
   -We keep getting into fights ( we never had some before)
   -I cut myself 3 times because of him.
   -I cried over him.it hurts me so much that hes doing that. and i know its my fault.
   -Its not the same between us. Somethings broken.

And more,I was really down this week and my other bff asked me whats wrong and i told her it was Gab ( my boy bestfriend) i was starting to cry and she said" omg why do you have to be down all the time because of him? hes not your boyfriend!" How can she fucking say that to me?arent best friends supposed to help us? I feel like i cant talk tono one.

Im going to

     Explode.
     going to
   Cry.

     going to
     Beg
because i need
   Someone,
A single person, to
   to help
a girl who needs a friend.
   Me.

Posted at 10:57 am | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

?

1. Do you parents know about your ED? no

2. How about your friends? only one and she has she same ED as me
3. Ever been to recovery? no.

4. How much weight do you want to lose? 120

5. What do you think started your ED? my dad because i hate him and he doesnt care about me.

6. What other illnesses besides an ED do you have?none
7. Do any of your friends have an ED? my best friend

8. Does anyone in your family have an ED? nope

9. How often do you weigh yourself?1-2 times a day
Put an "x" in the boxes that apply to you:

[ ] I am or have been suicidal
[x] I do/used to self harm
[ ] I drink/use drugs
[x] I purge but i try not to.
[x] I hide/throw away food and feel guilty because people around the world don't have any.
[ ] I hardly have any friends because of my ED
[ ] I never go out anymore except when i absolutely have to.
[ ] I exercise excessively sometimes.

Finish the sentence...

1. When I weigh myself... i see if i can eat or not the other day
2. I eat… everything
3. I hate... having an ED
4. If I were at my ultimate goal weight… ill keep going
5. If my parents knew about my ED… idk what they would do
6. I need... ?
7. I wish… i had legs that dont touch
8. I lie… to everyone.
9. I miss... having a meal without purging

Posted at 11:13 am | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

yay

Im down to 182!!!

Posted at 09:40 pm | Link | Comment. | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

You wouldnt know just by looking.

Sep. 25th, 2009

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September 2009

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